I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
