Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
