not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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