I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
