College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
