Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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