Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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