Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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