she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
