I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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