I'm pants shitting drunk right now
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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