Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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