I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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