I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
