Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
