so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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