I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
