this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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