he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
