She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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