Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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