She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
