How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
