I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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