An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize