dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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