I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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