new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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