and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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