Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
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