my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
