She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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