You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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