Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
