yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize
