Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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