Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
