My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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