I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
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