I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
