I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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