i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
