Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
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