if i can run in heels then i can drive
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
