i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
