my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
