Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Randomize
