There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
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