Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
