And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
We need to get me chipped asap
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
