i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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