I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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