finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
