btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
porn star boner night. come get it.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
