The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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