he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
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