i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
the gays at disneyland are vicious
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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