one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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